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Can you tell if someone is a sexual predator by the back of their head? Yes, if that ball-cap is backwards, that’s usually an indicator.

Remember in the old days, when someone said they were thinking about being a cab driver, and you were all like, “No way dude! You’ll get robbed or murdered. That’s a terrible job.” (Hopefully no one has ever said “Why? You’re not a forefinger?” in response to that question.) I’m so glad we got past those days, right? Now, instead of having to worry that your life as being a professional driver for other people is in danger, you just have to worry if your life as the passenger is in danger. Well, that was until a few weeks ago, that is. The low-rent, overpriced black car taxi service for the socialite wannabe, Uber, announced the other day they are initiating “a dedicated $1 Safe Rides Fee“ to your bill. Well, isn’t that nice of them to be so concerned with YOUR SAFETY ALL OF A SUDDEN!? 

Danny DeVito as Louie De Palma in the TV show <i>Taxi</i>

Danny DeVito as Louie De Palma in the TV show Taxi

Uber, for those who don’t know, specializes in connecting independent drivers with customers who are looking for a ride; you know, like what a taxi dispatcher does. But they keep saying they’re not a taxi service… or a transportation service… they’re a “technology company.” Whatever. There are similar app based car service companies out there that offer the same services such as, Gett, Sidecar, and the hipster version Lyft with their fake pink mustaches and fist bumps, they already have a “safety fee” as part of their costs, and have since day one. I’m glad Uber is jumping on the bandwagon of preventing you from being raped while using their service. It’s awfully nice of them. This is a new fee now being charged by Uber covers costs of things like background checks, and I can only assume it goes towards insurance as well. The company boasts a $1.5 million liability insurance for their customers, you know, in case you’re involved in an accident, but it doesn’t cover  if, oh, I don’t know, a driver barrels through a crosswalk and mows down a family of three.  Remember that time you ordered an in-home stripper for your best friend’s bachelor party? And there was that big scary dude that came along with her? You know, to protect you in the likelihood the lady who’s taking her clothes off for you goes crazy and tries to eat your face in the middle of a lap dance, like a South Floridian meth-head. And that’s why you give him a tip as well. Oh, wait, he’s not there to protect you; he’s there to protect her. And you don’t give that body-guard dude a tip. Part of the money you pay the stripper goes to him. That’s a built in cost for the performer that is passed along to the customer. Their sudden concern for safety comes with a few questions. For instance, the company claims they have been background checking their drivers since the beginning. So why the sudden extra charge to do something they’ve been doing from the start? I guess the new head of security they hired realized Facebook searching drivers wan’t as effective of a screening process as they had hoped. Also I’m a dude who can kind of handle himself in the unlikelihood of a sexual assault, (let’s be honest I’m ugly, poor, & generally not assault desirable) BUT, if need be I can take care of myself; so should I still have to pay the extra dollar fee? I mean, you can get a pretty effective rape whistle off Amazon for around $2, and I carry a pocket knife.  I don’t really see point in paying them for my safety when I have already taken care of it like a good ‘MERICAN! Or God forbid a person were to be actually assaulted by a driver, will Uber CEO Travis Kalanick issue an apology? Or better yet, an amnesty for future safety charges as a show of good will? Of course not. They have a bottom line to worry about. Uber is first and foremost a company. Their number one responsibility is to make money form the product/services they provide. It’s understandable that the cost of buisness will always  be passed on to the customer. It’s the way the business world works. But to charge extra now for a service you should have been doing from the beginning is wrong. Not blankets with small pox wrong, but kind of shitty regardless. It’s interesting to see the little recoil from people who use their services, compared to the overreaction from the internet when Netflix said they were introducing a $1 increase to new customers (and eventually existing customers) because they’re producing new content. Netflix is actually creating new things for your eyeballs, making more of their original programming for you to enjoy. So, naturally, that would create the need for more of a revenue stream coming in to make this happen.  But every time Netflix announces a price increase, everyone grabs their pitchforks and head to the hills screaming, “KILL THEM WITH FIRE!! HOW DARE THEY!!” It’s almost as if Uber’s extra $1 safety fee is in place to save you from the Netflix wallet rape. It’s not, I called and asked. Okay I didn’t but we all know their response would sound amazingly like the noise an old-timey phone would make when someone hangs up on you. Dial tone, I think it’s called? But they have been responsive to other people asking about the fee they have said it’s their way of saying “Hey, your safety costs money, and you should appreciate our involvement.” Yeah, exactly! Why aren’t you being appreciative of it?

But they’re still the number one option for getting your hooker, Tinder, or Grindr date home safely after a roll in the hay, so I guess this is all good for something. Thanks a lot DC for figuring that out.


So on behalf of all of us who use your services, Uber; actually, I don’t use it, neither before this news nor will I now; thank you so very much for being concerned with our safety, and going the extra mile to make sure your customers aren’t going to be raped, robbed, and murdered; and possibly not in that order.